Sunday, July 14, 2013

Noah and the ark

Noah and the ark
A personal interpretation
A wondrous tale
The story of Noah and the Ark is undoubtedly the most popular story in the Bible and is a great favorite of children, probably because of all the cute animals, and children will accept just about anything an adult tells them. It also has to be the most ludicrous, written by an ignorant person and meant for the ignorant people of that time. What is so amazing is, intelligent educated people of today believe the events of this story actually happened.
Stretching the truth
Noah, if there ever was such a character, was supposed to have lived to be 950 years. Someone screwed up here. They misconstrued the meaning of years. It was probably the number of months (900 months divided by 12 would be just over 79 years). This is more believable. He would have been fifty in the year of the flood, not six hundred. Living to the age of six hundred and only having three sons is highly unlikely. As a believer, back in my early twenties, I was gullible. I thought God blessed His favorites and allowed them to live longer. You know, have lots of sex, and produce many offspring. That seems not to be the case with Noah.
A personal example
I remember back when I was an ignorant Pennsylvania Hillbilly, and my wife was an ignorant West Virginia Hillbilly. In the first 6 years of our marriage, we had produced five kids. My poor wife only had one normal menstrual flow during that period. So it is unbelievable that a married couple only produced three offspring in six hundred years, unless they produced a couple hundred females they failed to mention in the story. You know, female births were not worthy of mention.
So Noah's age is unbelievable. It is pure myth how people lived for a thousand or so years back then, but it makes for a great story detail
Too much cursing
Originally, His creations were supposed to live for eternity. However, His evil litter critters would not do his bidding. Well, He would show them a thing or two.
God cursed them and punished them for their evil deeds. He shortened their lifespan and sent them packing after he killed and skinned a few animals to make clothing to cover their nasty bodies.
That is a lot of crap
One would imagine that the animal and human waste might have grown knee deep to a tall giraffe by then. With only one small window that had to be kept closed to keep the birds from escaping through it. There could not have been many clean ones in the bunch, maybe a few birds that roosted on the rafters or on the antlers and horns of some of the cattle. Can you imagine how those beasts looked after a year of milling around below flocks of roosting birds?
Then, god remembered Noah and all the animals were still floating about out there on the floodwaters. He took a deep breath and blew away the waters, which took another 10 months to dry up. Noah finely opened the window and sent out a couple birds to see if the waters had dried up.
After another week or so, God finally spoke to Noah. "You and your family get off that boat and turn all those animals loose." He promised Noah, his family, and all the animals that he would never again destroy everything with a flood. He signed the covenant with a rainbow. Wasn't that cute? Noah was so happy to get off that crummy floating zoo, that he builded an altar.
A savory sacrifice
After saving the animals to replenish the earth, Noah decided it was more important to sacrifice some as burnt offerings to the Lord rather than let them reproduce and replenish. They had little else to do during their cruise and time spent on the ark, some may have already reproduced. Personally, I think he was tired of cleaning up after them and satisfied his frustration by killing some of the more bothersome critters. Have you ever wondered how they kept the meat-eating beasts from having a midnight snack every so often, or how did they keep the birds from eating the bugs?
Killing the best of the lot
Noah took all clean beasts and fowls and made a burnt sacrifice to God. What was he thinking? They just spent a year saving all those critters to replenish earth. Now he kills all the good ones and burns them up. What a waste.
The Lord caught the sweet scent of burning flesh and realized He screwed up again. He promised Himself He would never smite all life again for man's sake, for man is evil from his youth. He seems to have forgotten, He. is the one responsible for man's evil hearts Did He not curse them from the very beginning when Eve sucked the juice from the apple and then fed it to Adam. Getting high floating around in the clouds must have played havoc with his memory.
Finally, He blessed Noah and his sons for their assistance and urged them to be fruitful and multiply. Not one good word for those lazy women though.
Noah and his wife must not have gotten together very often. Until then, the 600-year-old-man had only produced three offspring. Are you kidding me? This is another indication that the reference to his age was in months, not years. He seemed a poor choice for someone to replenish humankind. Maybe his sons were better at producing offspring.
A drunken nudist
After the flood ordeal, Noah became a grape-stomping wino. What is the big fuss over Noah's sons seeing him drunk and naked? I thought those people back then went naked more than they did clothed, or, is it they can't be naked and drunk at t he same time?
Noah and the ark is but a fable created by people who believed Earth was a flat piece of dirt floating around beneath the heavens where the gods and their cronies gathered to manipulate man, and have sex with the daughters of men. That is what brought on this kill-everything-flood-deal. God's sons were sleeping with, and even taking them as wives, the daughters of men. Yet, He blames the evil women, not His precious sons. This reminds me. Who was God's wife? According to some, Asherah, is the answer. Were they married or did they just shack up. Remember now, how the sons of God lusted after the daughters of men. It's in the Bible, damn it! Sons usually follow in the footsteps of their father.

That's my opinion. What's yours.