I became a born-again-Christian at the age of twenty-four and for two years thereafter, I devoted all my spare time to studying religion and the Bible. One of the things that amazed me was how most religions have similar stories of how God created Earth, the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve, the flood and the virgin birth and other stories. I thought the bible was a guidebook written for different religions. Sure, people referred to it as God's word, but I never took it literally. Each religion had its own version. My thoughts were, if so many religions held similar beliefs, then it must be true, i.e., there is a God. I still had many doubts about the parables I read in the Bible. I never took them seriously. They were stories to illustrate, lessons to learn how a god-fearing person should live and act. Looking back now, I realize how much a naive hillbilly I was, even though at twenty-four I had seen most of the world and had a wife and five kids. I had an eighth grade education and could even read albeit slowly.
To me, the Old Testament was just that, OLD and meant for the peoples of that time. God was angry and wanted to teach his children. He seemed, at least to me, to be an evil god intent on ridding the world of those who did not obey Him, as he did when he rid the vermin with the flood. He used his chosen people to do His dirty work, instructing them on how to do it. He seemed to take pleasure in toying with those He disliked, i.e., the Pharaoh in Exodus when he hardened the pharaoh's heart time after time. How could a loving god do that, even to an enemy?
Maybe that is why I was such a terrible father. At that time, I was right in the middle of raising five kids. I let my temper rule and was quick with the strap, as was my father when raising me.
When I could find neither rhyme nor reason in my studying of religion, I became a backslider and withdrew from the church. I rarely attended services any longer. For the next forty years, I wondered the world, married three times and finally settled down in the Florida panhandle with my third wife, a Russian with deep-seated Orthodox beliefs. She still loves me even after I declared myself an atheist. However, she grew up where the state forced everyone into atheism. Can you imagine having to hide the fact you were of a religion disapproved by your government, worshiping in secrecy? Scared to mention to your child that there was a god. Russia has a horrific history of strife between government and church. We have no idea how lucky we are here.
Religion caught my fancy again when I neared my seventieth year on this planet. I felt certain hell waited for my arrival, so, I must have been looking for a way out of that predicament It was not a conscious thought I merely sought more information. While cruising over the internet, I began seeing books about doubting God's existence. Did they actually allow this stuff on the internet? Was that not blasphemy? Thus began my enlightenment.
As it was when I began my studies of religion, many years ago, so it was with my new ventures of finding a way out of going to hell. I learned that the many religions did have similar stories, however, these stories came from other stories that started thousands of years before Christianity, Buddhism and Muslim came along. They did not come about spontaneously some three or six thousand years ago. Like the evolution of man, which I have always believed in, so it was with religion. I never did believe a god created us. It was just too out of this world to believe. Again, I thought this was just a story created by our ignorant precursors. It evolved from the time our cave dwelling ancestors began searching for answers to why they were here, why things were how they were. Thus, the birth of Shamanism and the first time man began having conversations with invisible deities and performing magic tricks for his brethren. The only difference between a 50 thousand-year-old shaman and a modern day evangelic preacher is the size of their audience.
My new findings were more logical than what I found in the Bible and at church services. I often thought preachers were performing for their flocks, showing them the way. They mostly preached only the good parts of the Bible, and of course, the threatening parts, where, you do this or you are going to hell. I guess that is their purpose, though. They kept me in line for a couple of years. When I felt I had a slim-to-none chance of getting out of going to hell, I gave up. Doing good deeds, they say, never gets one to heaven either. Is that were the saying "you're damned if you do and damned if you don't" came from?
Well, I ain't gotta worry bout that no moe. I'm as much at peace as the most faithful of Christians. The only guilt I carry is that of not being a good father.
When I had my revelation, and began studying non-religious beliefs, I thought I fit into an agnostic slot. I did not believe in the god theists believed in. I disliked the term atheist mainly because of my false conception that atheists were evil, devil worshipers I acquired this concept when I was a kid and listened to adults talk about atheists, which was seldom. I never said the word, in fear that I would be stricken dead.
As I studied further the beliefs of each, I decided I was an atheist. As it stands now, I believe in no gods. However, that does not preclude that sometime in the future a god may make itself known. It is like our universe; at this time, no one can definitely state there are more universes out there. We simply cannot see that far yet. If there is a god out there, it is hiding or is busy elsewhere, maybe putting together another universe. When and if that time comes, I believe many will be surprised. That god will be nothing like anyone now believes.
Thanks and have a pleasant day, Ray
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