SEARCHING FOR AN IDENTITY

Am I an atheist or what?

A few years back, I finally realized I was, and probably always have been, a disbeliever in any god. It was no big revelation, i.e., I did not jump up and down with glee and scream out that I had finally seen the light. I did realize I was not a Christian. However, that too, was no big revelation. I had shunned religion most of my life. Twice I married religious women, one of which was a hard-shell fanatic and a blatant gossiper, two things I dislike with a passion. Of course, this did not make my decision an easy task. I have never met or known a non-believer until a couple weeks ago. As a kid I had overheard adults talking about those devil worshiping atheist. It wasn't that. I just felt in my heart that there was no god, or at least, I felt all the gods people worship only exist in their minds. If there is a god, there is only one.

A need to fit in a category

Man needs to know where everyone is coming from, figuratively and literally. One feels comfortable around others who think and act alike. Thus, it stirs up fewer complications. Knowing just what you are or what you believe in stretches back beyond our cave dwelling ancestors.

Back then our precursors lived in small bands, it was crucial that all knew what each member of the clan was. What each could do, how each reacted to outside stimulus. This was crucial to the survival of the band. Every member depended on every other member. Chasing a herd of mammoths over a cliff required the cooperation of all members. Their existence demanded it. They had to outsmart their gods who provided them with nourishment. These days our gods demand sacrificial offerings, in whatever form, to feed them.

Since it is human nature for us to paste labels on our foreheads, I felt obligated to figure out just what it was that I was. What category of disbelief should I wear on my chest? I dare not offend anyone.

I spent a few days searching the internet. I narrowed my choices down to two, i.e., atheist or agnostic. I found that agnostics only doubted the existence of gods. Knowing a god or gods do not exist is not provable. However, atheists knew no gods exist. They say a god's existence is not provable. Something else irked me about these two groups. Like different religions, these two nonreligious groups consist of many levels of disbelief. Nothing seems easy in this world. There are too many shades of gray, and everyone believes their shade is the only true shade.

Decisions, decisions, what is I?

I did not have the slightest idea what an agnostic was when I started my research. I thought atheists were devil worshipers. My parents planted that in my pea brain when I was a child.

Personally, I dislike labels. I am Me, i.e., I belong to a special group of Me. Me alone, different from all others. That is not good enough. They say I must be either an agnostic or an atheist.

Having a label, one can say, "Ah, yes. You are an atheist, an agnostic, a Protestant, a Catholic or a Buddhist. I see what you are. I do not like what you are, because what you think is wrong. What I think is better.

I did not like this, but I could accept it. This seemed simple enough so I sighed up for a title of agnostic. Atheist seemed a little strong for me.

However, some want more. They need to delve deeper into just what level of whatever you are, and it goes on and on until they know the exact seat you sit in when you attend services at your preferred house of warship.

So, it went with me. I first labeled myself an agnostic because I no longer believed there is a god, i.e., none of the gods people warship on this planet anyway. I felt there might be a god out there somewhere. Who knows? We still have a lot to learn about our world, our galaxy, our universe. For a while, this pacified me. As I studied further, I felt I had to be more specific. Atheists condemn agnostics. They say agnostics are weaklings, cowards, too scared to take a firm stand.

These are fighting words to a 20-year war veteran. I studied more. I relented and took the position of an atheist. However, as I said, like different denominations of religious groups, so it goes with atheist and agnostics groups. I dug deeper. I still believe all the gods humans worship are nonexistent.

Once again, I categorize myself as a nonbeliever. I never felt comfortable being an atheist. Like some religions, they seem too fanatical. I do not allow myself to become fanatical about anything. Fanaticism is one reason why I wandered from my religious beliefs. A fanatic cannot see clearly. Fanatic disbelievers are no better than are blind faith followers. Extremism does not allow one to see logically.

Coming to terms

Who am I to say there are positively no gods out there somewhere? When we are able to see beyond our universe, we may know more about gods. Maybe by then we all will realize we need no god to affirm our existence. Maybe by then we will learn how to exist peacefully instead of killing each other because of our beliefs or lack of them. Maybe by then we will find the true God out there and learn why it placed us here and then forgot us. Thanks and have a pleasant day. Ray

How I Became an Atheist

I became a born-again-Christian at the age of twenty-four and for two years thereafter, I devoted all my spare time to studying religion and the Bible. One of the things that amazed me was how most religions have similar stories of how God created Earth, the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve, the flood and the virgin birth and other stories. I thought the bible was a guidebook written for different religions. Sure, people referred to it as God's word, but I never took it literally. Each religion had its own version. My thoughts were, if so many religions held similar beliefs, then it must be true, i.e., there is a God. I still had many doubts about the parables I read in the Bible. I never took them seriously. They were stories to illustrate, lessons to learn how a god-fearing person should live and act. Looking back now, I realize how much a naive hillbilly I was, even though at twenty-four I had seen most of the world and had a wife and five kids. I had an eighth grade education and could even read albeit slowly.

To me, the Old Testament was just that, OLD and meant for the peoples of that time. God was angry and wanted to teach his children. He seemed, at least to me, to be an evil god intent on ridding the world of those who did not obey Him, as he did when he rid the vermin with the flood. He used his chosen people to do His dirty work, instructing them on how to do it. He seemed to take pleasure in toying with those He disliked, i.e., the Pharaoh in Exodus when he hardened the pharaoh's heart time after time. How could a loving god do that, even to an enemy?

Maybe that is why I was such a terrible father. At that time, I was right in the middle of raising five kids. I let my temper rule and was quick with the strap, as was my father when raising me.

When I could find neither rhyme nor reason in my studying of religion, I became a backslider and withdrew from the church. I rarely attended services any longer. For the next forty years, I wondered the world, married three times and finally settled down in the Florida panhandle with my third wife, a Russian with deep-seated Orthodox beliefs. She still loves me even after I declared myself an atheist. However, she grew up where the state forced everyone into atheism. Can you imagine having to hide the fact you were of a religion disapproved by your government, worshiping in secrecy? Scared to mention to your child that there was a god. Russia has a horrific history of strife between government and church. We have no idea how lucky we are here.

Religion caught my fancy again when I neared my seventieth year on this planet. I felt certain hell waited for my arrival, so, I must have been looking for a way out of that predicament It was not a conscious thought I merely sought more information. While cruising over the internet, I began seeing books about doubting God's existence. Did they actually allow this stuff on the internet? Was that not blasphemy? Thus began my enlightenment.

As it was when I began my studies of religion, many years ago, so it was with my new ventures of finding a way out of going to hell. I learned that the many religions did have similar stories, however, these stories came from other stories that started thousands of years before Christianity, Buddhism and Muslim came along. They did not come about spontaneously some three or six thousand years ago. Like the evolution of man, which I have always believed in, so it was with religion. I never did believe a god created us. It was just too out of this world to believe. Again, I thought this was just a story created by our ignorant precursors. It evolved from the time our cave dwelling ancestors began searching for answers to why they were here, why things were how they were. Thus, the birth of Shamanism and the first time man began having conversations with invisible deities and performing magic tricks for his brethren. The only difference between a 50 thousand-year-old shaman and a modern day evangelic preacher is the size of their audience.

My new findings were more logical than what I found in the Bible and at church services. I often thought preachers were performing for their flocks, showing them the way. They mostly preached only the good parts of the Bible, and of course, the threatening parts, where, you do this or you are going to hell. I guess that is their purpose, though. They kept me in line for a couple of years. When I felt I had a slim-to-none chance of getting out of going to hell, I gave up. Doing good deeds, they say, never gets one to heaven either. Is that were the saying "you're damned if you do and damned if you don't" came from?

Well, I ain't gotta worry bout that no moe. I'm as much at peace as the most faithful of Christians. The only guilt I carry is that of not being a good father.

When I had my revelation, and began studying non-religious beliefs, I thought I fit into an agnostic slot. I did not believe in the god theists believed in. I disliked the term atheist mainly because of my false conception that atheists were evil, devil worshipers I acquired this concept when I was a kid and listened to adults talk about atheists, which was seldom. I never said the word, in fear that I would be stricken dead.

As I studied further the beliefs of each, I decided I was an atheist. As it stands now, I believe in no gods. However, that does not preclude that sometime in the future a god may make itself known. It is like our universe; at this time, no one can definitely state there are more universes out there. We simply cannot see that far yet. If there is a god out there, it is hiding or is busy elsewhere, maybe putting together another universe. When and if that time comes, I believe many will be surprised. That god will be nothing like anyone now believes.

Thanks and have a pleasant day, Ray

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