Am I an
atheist or what?
A
few years back, I finally realized I was, and probably always have been, a
disbeliever in any god. It was no big revelation, i.e., I did not jump up and
down with glee and scream out that I had finally seen the light. I did realize
I was not a Christian. However, that too, was no big revelation. I had shunned
religion most of my life. Twice I married religious women, one of which was a
hard-shell fanatic and a blatant gossiper, two things I dislike with a passion.
Of course, this did not make my decision an easy task. I have never met or
known a non-believer until a couple weeks ago. As a kid I had overheard adults
talking about those devil worshiping atheist. It wasn't that. I just felt in my
heart that there was no god, or at least, I felt all the gods people worship only
exist in their minds. If there is a god, there is only one.
A need to fit
in a category
Man
needs to know where everyone is coming from, figuratively and literally. One
feels comfortable around others who think and act alike. Thus, it stirs up
fewer complications. Knowing just what you are or what you believe in stretches
back beyond our cave dwelling ancestors.
Back
then our precursors lived in small bands, it was crucial that all knew what
each member of the clan was. What each could do, how each reacted to outside
stimulus. This was crucial to the survival of the band. Every member depended
on every other member. Chasing a herd of mammoths over a cliff required the
cooperation of all members. Their existence demanded it. They had to outsmart
their gods who provided them with nourishment. These days our gods demand sacrificial
offerings, in whatever form, to feed them.
Since
it is human nature for us to paste labels on our foreheads, I felt obligated to
figure out just what it was that I was. What category of disbelief should I
wear on my chest? I dare not offend anyone.
I
spent a few days searching the internet. I narrowed my choices down to two,
i.e., atheist or agnostic. I found that agnostics only doubted the existence of gods. Knowing a god or gods do not exist
is not provable. However, atheists knew
no gods exist. They say a god's existence is not provable. Something else irked
me about these two groups. Like different religions, these two nonreligious groups
consist of many levels of disbelief. Nothing seems easy in this world. There
are too many shades of gray, and everyone believes their shade is the only true
shade.
Decisions,
decisions, what is I?
I
did not have the slightest idea what an agnostic was when I started my
research. I thought atheists were devil worshipers. My parents planted that in
my pea brain when I was a child.
Personally,
I dislike labels. I am Me, i.e., I belong to a special group of Me. Me alone,
different from all others. That is not good enough. They say I must be either
an agnostic or an atheist.
Having
a label, one can say, "Ah, yes. You are an atheist, an agnostic, a
Protestant, a Catholic or a Buddhist. I see what you are. I do not like what
you are, because what you think is wrong. What I think is better.
I
did not like this, but I could accept it. This seemed simple enough so I sighed
up for a title of agnostic. Atheist seemed a little strong for me.
However,
some want more. They need to delve deeper into just what level of whatever you
are, and it goes on and on until they know the exact seat you sit in when you
attend services at your preferred house of warship.
So,
it went with me. I first labeled myself an agnostic because I no longer believed
there is a god, i.e., none of the gods people warship on this planet anyway. I
felt there might be a god out there somewhere. Who knows? We still have a lot
to learn about our world, our galaxy, our universe. For a while, this pacified
me. As I studied further, I felt I had to be more specific. Atheists condemn agnostics.
They say agnostics are weaklings, cowards, too scared to take a firm stand.
These
are fighting words to a 20-year war veteran. I studied more. I relented and
took the position of an atheist. However, as I said, like different
denominations of religious groups, so it goes with atheist and agnostics groups.
I dug deeper. I still believe all the gods humans worship are nonexistent.
Once
again, I categorize myself as a nonbeliever. I never felt comfortable being an
atheist. Like some religions, they seem too fanatical. I do not allow myself to
become fanatical about anything. Fanaticism is one reason why I wandered from
my religious beliefs. A fanatic cannot see clearly. Fanatic disbelievers are no
better than are blind faith followers. Extremism does not allow one to see
logically.
Coming to
terms
Who
am I to say there are positively no gods out there somewhere? When we are able
to see beyond our universe, we may know more about gods. Maybe by then we all
will realize we need no god to affirm our existence. Maybe by then we will
learn how to exist peacefully instead of killing each other because of our
beliefs or lack of them. Maybe by then we will find the true God out there and
learn why it placed us here and then forgot us. Thanks and have a pleasant day.
Ray
